Kick start my rock and roll heart.

I never looked at moving to Oklahoma as starting over. When you start over, it seems to insinuate there was something you needed to start over from, some sort of trauma that led up to a decision that you needed a clean break, a new change of pace. Like you needed it.

I didn’t need to leave New Mexico. I didn’t need Oklahoma. I was so perfectly happy there. Tom and me had a lot of conversations about it. I told him, “If you can’t be happy at home, then you won’t be happy anywhere else”. I wanted to leave Albuquerque so badly after the fire. But I think there were reasons I stayed as long as I did. I didn’t want to leave resenting my home. I needed to stay there, as painful as it was, to make peace with what happened. In April, I left Albuquerque fearing that I actually broke its heart, it never broke mine.

Oklahoma felt like a natural change, since I’d talked about doing it for so long. This move made sense; I finally figured out what I wanted to go back to school for, there was a great anthropology program at a state school with amazing funding, a room with a roommate, and it was within driving distance to home. I know a lot of people had a hard time seeing the logic in it, but I never did.

For about the first month, I was a little shocked by how I didn’t miss Albuquerque. Maybe I was just caught up in the glamour of being somewhere new and exciting, but I didn’t really feel any kind of true loss. It wasn’t real. But now that I’m settled in, the panic over money and more importantly, the panic over if I made the right decision is overwhelming. It feel like life’s on a giant pause button and I’m terrified to push play. I feel like 2009 will go down as The Lost Year. Being away from home and all the people I love, has opened up these pits of void I never knew I had.

It gets tempting to want to fill those voids with whatever you can. Everyone does it. Because if you successfully fill up that hole with something else, it’s like it was never there. But, I don’t want to replace anything, I don’t want to replace home. I’m trying as hard as I can to keep everything, even that feeling of loss, and gain new things, new perspectives, instead. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, you can’t replace what you’ve lost. I think I learned that long before I moved. There will never be another Golden West, I’ll never find another dog like Annie, I’ll never get in another visit to my grandfather in Little Ferry and I’ll never find a better way to spend a Sunday morning than with Kyle and a #6 from Twisters. Luckily, I can still get that last one.

Things here aren’t horrible. I’m not miserable being here. That’s not what this is about. There’s nothing wrong with being sad, there’s nothing wrong with missing home. Me and Oklahoma have been having some fun times, be it sometimes too much fun. I’ve met some quality folks here. And I’ve still got possibility. And that’s enough to keep me going for years.

When I first moved to Albuquerque, I don’t think Jimmy Eat World’s Bleed American left my CD player for a solid month. And every time I heard The Middle, I’d cry a bit. And that doesn’t embarrass me one bit. That album is absolutely incredible, no way to question it. The other night me and Chelsey went for a drive around Lake Hefner; ended up parking the truck on the west shore, watching city lights and drinking beers. While listening to that CD. And it turns out…

Even at 25,
You gotta start sometime.

I’m on my feet I’m on the floor I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love (with Oklahoma City) tonight.

Don't let me down.

Leaving you with nothing.

New roommate Chelsey is proving to be the new queen of one liners:

Cat: "Is that the bag of Garrett's stuff?" (Stuff that needs to be returned to an ex-boyfriend)
Chelsey: "Yeah. I wanna pee in it."

And on a separate occasion:

Chelsey: "All I can think about when I hear the Postal Service is a fat, naked man." (I could explain the context, but quite honestly, I think it's better if I don't.)

Today, I successfully navigated myself to the neighborhood mall, then to the Pottery Barn inside the mall. On the way out, I found a lady's credit card and spent 15 minutes trying to find an information desk to return it to. Once I was done, it seemed pretty pointless. If I lost a credit card anywhere around a mall, I never would think to call the mall and see if anyone returned it. But, I've got no need for bad karma at this point. I also went to Walmart, which is nearly across the street from the mall, but it takes 20 minutes to get there. Once inside the Walmart, I spent 20 minutes looking for Laughing Cow Mini Babybel semisoft cheeses.

Anyway, spent most of my day looking for things. But once I found them, I felt pretty good about myself. My feet are shaky here, and I miss knowing where everything is. But today's moderate excursion made me feel like I was making progress.

Throughly prescreening matches.

Rainy 'Rey.

I haven't really wanted to have some sort of grand send off before I move. Nor am I really making it a point to say goodbye to people. Because dudes, I'll be back in 9 days. Just seems a little foolish to get all sappy and emotional. I've already cried enough for the whole city. And there's only more to come. No point inducing EVEN MORE. I told both Kyle and Mattlahoma that they both will probably be dealing with a whole mess of crazy. I felt no need to warn Chelsey or any of my lady friends, because we've all been there, that's for sure.

The major bummer today is that the bar in my closet collapsed last night. So I spent most of my afternoon picking up clothes, re-hanging them, then plastic-bagging them. By the way, the best way to move clothes is to treat a trash bag like a garment bag; pick up about 10 hangers, shove them in a bag and tie the bag around the top before the hook of the hangers. Genius!



So, life's a little messy and a little blank. I'm just not a fan of having my life in boxes and bags. Suffocating! Luckily today I discovered the Oklahoma Humane Society website. DID I MENTION Chelsey wants to get a dog?!? Heart is melting as I type. I'm going to try to talk Chelsey into going dog hunting next weekend.

Little step-sister Rachel qualified for State in the 100m hurdles today! On a time trial, even. And she's only a freshman. Git it, gurl!

Hanging out down the street.

I'm delicate these days. It's like PMS times about 5 billion. Anything sets me off. Sappy television, bad drivers, things not fitting properly in boxes, etc. Kathy called me this morning and ripped into me about a mistake I made on Friday and it left me in shambles. I'm normally pretty good about brushing off work drama, since it's resolved in about 5 minutes, but that was the first time she's actually made me cry.

I told Kyle tonight I'm glad I'm like this though. It's good that I deal with it and get it out, rather than crashing when I get out to Oklahoma. I think it'll be shock enough just living in a new state (and timezone...). My last official day of residence in New Mexico will be the 28th, one week away. But I'll be back the weekend after for FLOOD THE SUN'S TOUR KICKOFF at Burt's on the 8th. Unless I get a super awesome job that makes me work that weekend. Same goes for Memorial Day.

I found Amy Upah's XBox when I was packing up my room today. WHOA. So, if anyone knows how to get ahold of her... I think she might have relocated to another planet.

Anyway, thank God for the scene in Zoolander where they're trying to turn on the computer.

Without the sun.

+



=



Do I look different? BECAUSE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED.


But, for the serious, Springsteen was super awesome. My only regret is that I could barely talk the entire time I was in Denver, thanks to this super nasty viral infection (it's STILL hanging out and ruining my days). Towards the end of the show, I started feeling really, really woozy. But then he played Born to Run with the house lights on.

Other highlights include mother effing THUNDER ROAD during the encore (Cat and every other person in that venue about DIED), the religious experience of The Rising and the Recession Anthem of Youngstown. Performance wise, that song owned it. And hey, remember when he played Glory Days? All in all, great show. The thing about Bruce Springsteen is that it's blindingly obvious how much he loves music, how much he loves his job, and yet, how lucky he is to have it. The man doesn't appear to take anything of it for granted. And it's nice to have a reminder of that, sometimes.

It was a quick trip. We got into Denver on Thursday night, late. We spent Friday during the day huddling around the Pepsi Center, eating at Illegal Pete's, then face-rockage. Saturday, we got up, ate at Smash Burger, and drove home. But, I couldn't have asked for a better time or better people to experience it with.

Since then, I took a load of stuff (including my tornado shelter of a metal desk) to OKC and spent a few days with my grandma in Pampa. Yum, Pampa. My time as a full-time resident in New Mexico is quickly coming to a close and trust me dudes, I'm really sad about it. The tears started tonight; just thinking about all the people I'm gonna miss. I know that I need myself that I won't be far and everyone I know and love is merely a phone call away. Or an 8 hour drive.

Well, I knew this wasn't gonna be easy. But, I'm glad I'm doing it.

And now, the awesome story about some dude at the El Rey asking when my baby was due. I'm tending bar and this middle-aged man walks up and wants 3 bottles of water. While we're waiting for his credit card to go through, he says, "When are you due?" I almost don't hear him, but I think I'm more shocked than anything else. "Excuse me?" I say. "When are you due?" he asks again. This time I hear him clearly, and I'm sure it reads on my face the amount of distain I'm having over the conversation. "I don't think I heard you right," I tell him, completely giving the guy an out to an awkward situation. He points to my stomach and says, "When is your BABY due?" I try really, really hard to be polite, as this man is a costumer and Kathy's about 15 feet away (and laughing hysterically, by the way) and I say, "Oh, I'm not pregnant, actually." The dudes response? "Well, you're wearing a maternity top." NO WAY, dude. I'm wearing a dress with a high waist. Kathy jumps in then and says something about it being the style and I make myself look busy. The guy makes another comment about how the TOP made me look like I was pregnant and walked off, without APOLOGIZING or TIPPING ME. Seriously. Worst man in Albuquerque.

Wall and Piece.

Gross, head cold. brb, poping my ears for the 5billionth time.

It's interesting the things you collect. I keep finding little trinkets in my room and knowing I saved it at some point for a purpose and now I cannot remember why. I get scared about throwing things away. Who knows, maybe in two years I'll remember why I saved that piece of paper. But, I really am trying to make an honest effort to get rid of things. It's acceptable to hang onto college notebooks and textbooks, right? Especially if you're planning on going back to school?

So far, the bookshelf and desk are packed and ready for their new home. And I still have 23 days to vacate. 3 WEEKS? Scary! Thinking about moving makes my heart beat fast, like a new crush. I'm really nervous about it, really scared about it, but excited at the same time.

Speaking of leaving, my boyfriend's totally one-uping me and going to Argentina for a year. He leaves in August. When he got his official acceptance letter from the University he's going to, Palermo, I got a little weepy, but mostly I'm just super excited (and jealous) for him.

I took a mini-drive last night; up Paseo all the way to Taylor Ranch, down Montano to Coors, Coors to I-40 and back home. It was one of those drives where everything looked really clear. If that makes any sense.

Riding fast and living slow.

Dear friend and major Republican Tom Schelby is now officially in Kuwait and I will miss him terribly, as Tom has become quite the pal over the last year. I'm also intensely jealous of his big time adventure. Last week, he "learned how to evade capture if caught behind enemy lines".

I think one of the reasons me and Tom buddied up so much is because we're sort of in the same place right now. While Tom is far more professional than I, I think we both struggle with the responsibilities of adulthood. But more than that, we're fantastic at fooling people about it. There's this line from Elizabethtown, where Claire Colburn tells Drew Baylor: "Do you ever feel like you're just fooling everybody?" Drew Baylor replies: "You have no idea."

I feel like that about all the time. Like, everything I am when I'm at work is nothing but a giant act. There's a part of me that still feels like I'm completely not cut out for this, that there's something else I need to be doing. I'm sure a huge chunk of that is just my complete reluctance to admit I'm an adult now, and there are certain things I just can't get away with anymore. The thing that scares me the most is that maybe I really am a grown up, I am a professional, and the only person I'm fooling is myself.

Tom threw complete caution to the wind, took a job with the American Red Cross, and moved to Kuwait. I feel like that same sort of decision is staring me in the face and I can't commit to a side. Responsibility or adventure? Safe or scary?

I found such relief in punk rock in high school. In that culture, really. At its heart, that's completely what punk rock has always been about; throwing caution to the wind and doing what really makes you happy. I've never really lost that part of myself, regardless of how different I am from the 16 year old I once was, with her green hair and yellow pants.

Point is, I got offered a big deal professional job in Santa Fe. A job at the Governor's office, with fancy benefits and a decent enough salary. Even though I've been planning on moving to Oklahoma, where I have no job, but a great room and a great roommate. I even set a deadline, May 1.

I had no idea what to do. In fact, I've spent the last week of my life in a completely melodramatic wasteland. This is in part, due to the amount of sleep I haven't been getting and 80+ hours I've worked already this week. But for every reason I found to take the job, I found one just as compelling not to. And the same goes for Oklahoma.

The thing about staying here and taking the job in Santa Fe is that it would be so easy. There would barely even be a transition. I'd even be working in the same building. Honestly, the thought of going to Oklahoma, even after all this time, scares me. And why shouldn't I be scared? Moving, changing jobs, leaving home, all that is scary, scary stuff.

When I talked to Tom about it, he told me I should turn down the job. He said, and this is probably the grandest quote I've received from all of the advice I've gotten in the last week, "I'm 25 years old and I still want to be a spy."

Kenneth told me to flip a coin. I did, and it told me to go to Oklahoma. That scared me just as much, leaving something that serious up to chance. I needed to be strong enough to make that decision on my own, without a coin. Because of all the factors influencing it, I'm the biggest. I feel like this choice says a lot about the risks I'm willing to take. Do I play it safe in this horrible job market or do I take a chance and make a move I've been talking about for years?


May 1, 2009

(Probably...)

Tom Schelby's proud of me today.

Smile like you've got nothing to prove.

Yes. I am wearing shorts.

Detroit Red Wings ones, even. But what makes this picture even better than the mirror closet doors it contains is that it's the first picture of MY NEW ROOM. That's right, my days of living out of a duffel bag are over. At least for the time being. And not a minute too soon. After ten months, having a closet, especially one with mirror doors rules pretty hard. I moved my mattress in today, along with some basics, mostly books and clothes. The rest will come after the weekend when Maria's old roomie gets her bed n stuff out of the room. I was just a tad eager to get in here, as you can see.

But having my own space again was exactly what needed to happen today. It was frustrating, as moving always is, but the sweet release I'm having right now, of blogging on MY internet connection on MY bed in MY room, is just too fantastic. There's a few ounces off the weight on my back. So worth skipping the Murphys for.

I think today was just the day the first real, brutal emotional waves set in. I've felt myself pulling inward, not returning phone calls, just wanting to be alone. But today I think the weepy stage of grieving set in. Of course, triggered by a terrible day at the "office". It's become hard to leave work at work, but I am trying.



While work drains my soul, I get to visit this little lady every day. Kathy has a ocicat, also known as a very expensive kitty with fancy coloring. But, Pookie is dang precious and she's taken quite a liking to me. Why must my boyfriend be allergic to kitties?