Don't be scared.

The Get Up Kids are an American indie rock band from Kansas City, Missouri. Formed in 1995, the band was a major player in the mid-90's indie rock scene. As they gained prominence, they began touring with bands such as Green Day and Weezer before becoming headliners themselves, eventually embarking on international tours of Japan and Europe. They released most of their albums on Heroes & Villains, their own imprint under Vagrant Records that also put out records from bands like The Anniversary, The New Amsterdams and Reggie and the Full Effect. Like many early emo bands, The Get Up Kids came to dissociate themselves with that label, as it came to be seen as insult to be known as an "emo band." The Get Up Kids were viewed throughout their existence as a prototypical "emo" band, having been major players in what is commonly considered the "second wave" of emo music.


The summer I turned 16 is still one of the most influential of my life. 2 days after I finished school, I boarded a plane and flew to England. I spent the next two weeks on the British Isle. I actually celebrated my 16th birthday in Scotland at Lock Ness Lake. 2 days after I came home, my boyfriend of nine months, my first serious relationship, dumped me.

I spent most of the summer wallowing in the divine misery of my first love lost. Most days, I woke up and went straight to Stancie's, where both of us tried to make sense of it. At the time, I could imagine life getting ANY worse than the way I felt. This was it, rock bottom. And in a way, it really was. Sure, I'd find other dudes to ruin me, but they all feel different than the way that summer felt. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how hard I tried. Probably because when you're 16, there's even barely a tunnel. If that makes any sense.


Now, I don't blame the boy, one known as Jesse, for what happened. God no. I can figure it out now, how much of that crap was self-inflicted, just how personally I took everything (but again, this is what you do when you're 16). In fact, I almost thank him for it. God, how badly I needed to go through that, to know what that felt like, to torture myself so much. It really was such a quintessential experience, I wouldn't give a minute of it back. I learned so much as a direct result of Jesse.

He probably has no idea of that, I barely talk to him any more. Every now and then, I'll sent out an email and get a response. We shared the most awkward phone call of my life about a year ago. But other than that, we're pretty much strangers now. He lives in Washington state now. You can listen to his music here.

But the point of this story is that Jesse introduced me to a lot of music. I was on the verge of punk rock, but Jesse threw me into it. He also got me into ska. And on one of the few days I saw him during that summer, I told him I wanted some new music, I missed getting CD's from him. I remember him being sort of annoyed about it, probably because I rarely gave back the CD's he lent me, but he went to his car and gave me a copy of The Get Up Kids' Four Minute Mile. He told me something along the lines of, "I think you'll like this. You'll probably identify with it."


I don't think he meant it in a good way. Even by that point, in the year 2000, there was a well-established back lash against emo. But all it took was one listen and I was completely hooked. I don't think that CD left my mom's car stereo for a solid month.I was a little embarrassed about it. I didn't exactly know what emo was, but I knew I wasn't supposed to like it. But, I did. I really did.

I'll come back to that record now, when I'm feeling a bit lost, and it still resonates with me. 9 years later and on the brink of a huge change, I find reasons to sing along as loud as I can.

I hope I find my home
And I hope you’re the first one in it.
I know it won’t be the same.
I’ll be there if you need anything at all you want to be.
Run around the world with me.
State your distance but it’s not a million miles away.
If this is what will really make you happy…
Then I’ll say that we’ll be...

Old enough to know better, young enough to pretend.

P.S. In 2005, The Get Up Kids announced that after ten years they were calling it quits. The group disbanded after their sold-out farewell show at the Uptown Theater in home town Kansas City, Missouri. However, in November of 2008, the band officially confirmed the re-release of Something to Write Home About (also a damn fine album) and a 2009 national tour to celebrate the 10 year anniversary and re-release of the record. (!!!)

Riding fast and living slow.

Dear friend and major Republican Tom Schelby is now officially in Kuwait and I will miss him terribly, as Tom has become quite the pal over the last year. I'm also intensely jealous of his big time adventure. Last week, he "learned how to evade capture if caught behind enemy lines".

I think one of the reasons me and Tom buddied up so much is because we're sort of in the same place right now. While Tom is far more professional than I, I think we both struggle with the responsibilities of adulthood. But more than that, we're fantastic at fooling people about it. There's this line from Elizabethtown, where Claire Colburn tells Drew Baylor: "Do you ever feel like you're just fooling everybody?" Drew Baylor replies: "You have no idea."

I feel like that about all the time. Like, everything I am when I'm at work is nothing but a giant act. There's a part of me that still feels like I'm completely not cut out for this, that there's something else I need to be doing. I'm sure a huge chunk of that is just my complete reluctance to admit I'm an adult now, and there are certain things I just can't get away with anymore. The thing that scares me the most is that maybe I really am a grown up, I am a professional, and the only person I'm fooling is myself.

Tom threw complete caution to the wind, took a job with the American Red Cross, and moved to Kuwait. I feel like that same sort of decision is staring me in the face and I can't commit to a side. Responsibility or adventure? Safe or scary?

I found such relief in punk rock in high school. In that culture, really. At its heart, that's completely what punk rock has always been about; throwing caution to the wind and doing what really makes you happy. I've never really lost that part of myself, regardless of how different I am from the 16 year old I once was, with her green hair and yellow pants.

Point is, I got offered a big deal professional job in Santa Fe. A job at the Governor's office, with fancy benefits and a decent enough salary. Even though I've been planning on moving to Oklahoma, where I have no job, but a great room and a great roommate. I even set a deadline, May 1.

I had no idea what to do. In fact, I've spent the last week of my life in a completely melodramatic wasteland. This is in part, due to the amount of sleep I haven't been getting and 80+ hours I've worked already this week. But for every reason I found to take the job, I found one just as compelling not to. And the same goes for Oklahoma.

The thing about staying here and taking the job in Santa Fe is that it would be so easy. There would barely even be a transition. I'd even be working in the same building. Honestly, the thought of going to Oklahoma, even after all this time, scares me. And why shouldn't I be scared? Moving, changing jobs, leaving home, all that is scary, scary stuff.

When I talked to Tom about it, he told me I should turn down the job. He said, and this is probably the grandest quote I've received from all of the advice I've gotten in the last week, "I'm 25 years old and I still want to be a spy."

Kenneth told me to flip a coin. I did, and it told me to go to Oklahoma. That scared me just as much, leaving something that serious up to chance. I needed to be strong enough to make that decision on my own, without a coin. Because of all the factors influencing it, I'm the biggest. I feel like this choice says a lot about the risks I'm willing to take. Do I play it safe in this horrible job market or do I take a chance and make a move I've been talking about for years?


May 1, 2009

(Probably...)

Tom Schelby's proud of me today.