Kick start my rock and roll heart.

I never looked at moving to Oklahoma as starting over. When you start over, it seems to insinuate there was something you needed to start over from, some sort of trauma that led up to a decision that you needed a clean break, a new change of pace. Like you needed it.

I didn’t need to leave New Mexico. I didn’t need Oklahoma. I was so perfectly happy there. Tom and me had a lot of conversations about it. I told him, “If you can’t be happy at home, then you won’t be happy anywhere else”. I wanted to leave Albuquerque so badly after the fire. But I think there were reasons I stayed as long as I did. I didn’t want to leave resenting my home. I needed to stay there, as painful as it was, to make peace with what happened. In April, I left Albuquerque fearing that I actually broke its heart, it never broke mine.

Oklahoma felt like a natural change, since I’d talked about doing it for so long. This move made sense; I finally figured out what I wanted to go back to school for, there was a great anthropology program at a state school with amazing funding, a room with a roommate, and it was within driving distance to home. I know a lot of people had a hard time seeing the logic in it, but I never did.

For about the first month, I was a little shocked by how I didn’t miss Albuquerque. Maybe I was just caught up in the glamour of being somewhere new and exciting, but I didn’t really feel any kind of true loss. It wasn’t real. But now that I’m settled in, the panic over money and more importantly, the panic over if I made the right decision is overwhelming. It feel like life’s on a giant pause button and I’m terrified to push play. I feel like 2009 will go down as The Lost Year. Being away from home and all the people I love, has opened up these pits of void I never knew I had.

It gets tempting to want to fill those voids with whatever you can. Everyone does it. Because if you successfully fill up that hole with something else, it’s like it was never there. But, I don’t want to replace anything, I don’t want to replace home. I’m trying as hard as I can to keep everything, even that feeling of loss, and gain new things, new perspectives, instead. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, you can’t replace what you’ve lost. I think I learned that long before I moved. There will never be another Golden West, I’ll never find another dog like Annie, I’ll never get in another visit to my grandfather in Little Ferry and I’ll never find a better way to spend a Sunday morning than with Kyle and a #6 from Twisters. Luckily, I can still get that last one.

Things here aren’t horrible. I’m not miserable being here. That’s not what this is about. There’s nothing wrong with being sad, there’s nothing wrong with missing home. Me and Oklahoma have been having some fun times, be it sometimes too much fun. I’ve met some quality folks here. And I’ve still got possibility. And that’s enough to keep me going for years.

When I first moved to Albuquerque, I don’t think Jimmy Eat World’s Bleed American left my CD player for a solid month. And every time I heard The Middle, I’d cry a bit. And that doesn’t embarrass me one bit. That album is absolutely incredible, no way to question it. The other night me and Chelsey went for a drive around Lake Hefner; ended up parking the truck on the west shore, watching city lights and drinking beers. While listening to that CD. And it turns out…

Even at 25,
You gotta start sometime.

I’m on my feet I’m on the floor I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love (with Oklahoma City) tonight.

Don't let me down.

We'll keep singing along.

I never to cease to amaze myself. Yesterday, I fell in the shower. Like, was leaning for something, my foot slipped and before I knew it, I was flat in the bathtub. My initial concern went to my tailbone, but then I became increasingly aware of a throbbing in my right elbow. I spent about the next hour waiting for it to go away, and it hasn't yet. My elbow was so swollen yesterday, it was like I was growing a third one. Especially after knocking it AGAIN on Matt's car door. I thought I might have to go to the ER last night. Things are better today, I guess. the swelling isn't as localized, but it's as swollen or threatening. The bruise is starting come out, so now the entire middle of my arm basically looks like sausage.

Happy Birthday to me!

Pictures soon, but it's really hard to take pictures of your own elbow.

The Chelsey quote on the incident: "I totally heard you fall and I said to myself, if the shower doesn't turn off in 10 minutes, I'm going in."

Homesickness is holding me deep this weekend. I'm just about broke and no one's calling me back about jobs. I'd do about anything for my favorite order from Frontier, a night at the El Rey, some pink mountains and a big hug from a certain Kyle. At the end of the day, I know moving was a good call, but it's times like this that I have a hard time believing that.

Throughly prescreening matches.

Rainy 'Rey.

I haven't really wanted to have some sort of grand send off before I move. Nor am I really making it a point to say goodbye to people. Because dudes, I'll be back in 9 days. Just seems a little foolish to get all sappy and emotional. I've already cried enough for the whole city. And there's only more to come. No point inducing EVEN MORE. I told both Kyle and Mattlahoma that they both will probably be dealing with a whole mess of crazy. I felt no need to warn Chelsey or any of my lady friends, because we've all been there, that's for sure.

The major bummer today is that the bar in my closet collapsed last night. So I spent most of my afternoon picking up clothes, re-hanging them, then plastic-bagging them. By the way, the best way to move clothes is to treat a trash bag like a garment bag; pick up about 10 hangers, shove them in a bag and tie the bag around the top before the hook of the hangers. Genius!



So, life's a little messy and a little blank. I'm just not a fan of having my life in boxes and bags. Suffocating! Luckily today I discovered the Oklahoma Humane Society website. DID I MENTION Chelsey wants to get a dog?!? Heart is melting as I type. I'm going to try to talk Chelsey into going dog hunting next weekend.

Little step-sister Rachel qualified for State in the 100m hurdles today! On a time trial, even. And she's only a freshman. Git it, gurl!