Kick start my rock and roll heart.

I never looked at moving to Oklahoma as starting over. When you start over, it seems to insinuate there was something you needed to start over from, some sort of trauma that led up to a decision that you needed a clean break, a new change of pace. Like you needed it.

I didn’t need to leave New Mexico. I didn’t need Oklahoma. I was so perfectly happy there. Tom and me had a lot of conversations about it. I told him, “If you can’t be happy at home, then you won’t be happy anywhere else”. I wanted to leave Albuquerque so badly after the fire. But I think there were reasons I stayed as long as I did. I didn’t want to leave resenting my home. I needed to stay there, as painful as it was, to make peace with what happened. In April, I left Albuquerque fearing that I actually broke its heart, it never broke mine.

Oklahoma felt like a natural change, since I’d talked about doing it for so long. This move made sense; I finally figured out what I wanted to go back to school for, there was a great anthropology program at a state school with amazing funding, a room with a roommate, and it was within driving distance to home. I know a lot of people had a hard time seeing the logic in it, but I never did.

For about the first month, I was a little shocked by how I didn’t miss Albuquerque. Maybe I was just caught up in the glamour of being somewhere new and exciting, but I didn’t really feel any kind of true loss. It wasn’t real. But now that I’m settled in, the panic over money and more importantly, the panic over if I made the right decision is overwhelming. It feel like life’s on a giant pause button and I’m terrified to push play. I feel like 2009 will go down as The Lost Year. Being away from home and all the people I love, has opened up these pits of void I never knew I had.

It gets tempting to want to fill those voids with whatever you can. Everyone does it. Because if you successfully fill up that hole with something else, it’s like it was never there. But, I don’t want to replace anything, I don’t want to replace home. I’m trying as hard as I can to keep everything, even that feeling of loss, and gain new things, new perspectives, instead. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, you can’t replace what you’ve lost. I think I learned that long before I moved. There will never be another Golden West, I’ll never find another dog like Annie, I’ll never get in another visit to my grandfather in Little Ferry and I’ll never find a better way to spend a Sunday morning than with Kyle and a #6 from Twisters. Luckily, I can still get that last one.

Things here aren’t horrible. I’m not miserable being here. That’s not what this is about. There’s nothing wrong with being sad, there’s nothing wrong with missing home. Me and Oklahoma have been having some fun times, be it sometimes too much fun. I’ve met some quality folks here. And I’ve still got possibility. And that’s enough to keep me going for years.

When I first moved to Albuquerque, I don’t think Jimmy Eat World’s Bleed American left my CD player for a solid month. And every time I heard The Middle, I’d cry a bit. And that doesn’t embarrass me one bit. That album is absolutely incredible, no way to question it. The other night me and Chelsey went for a drive around Lake Hefner; ended up parking the truck on the west shore, watching city lights and drinking beers. While listening to that CD. And it turns out…

Even at 25,
You gotta start sometime.

I’m on my feet I’m on the floor I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love (with Oklahoma City) tonight.

Don't let me down.

The world don't spin without you.

So, don't watch the video to this, just listen to it while you read blog.


<3 <3 <3 <3

Emily cut my hairs yesterday. And it still smells like Aveda, so I'm enchanted. I would post pictures, but I did nothing to it this morning, just let it air dry, since I had to be at work at 6:00am. Once I got here, I spent 3 hours sticking labels to envelopes. My brain's dead.

But I woke up enough to read that WATCHMEN TEASER TRAILOR WILL BE ON DARK KNIGHT.

In light of impending economic collaspe (don't even get me started about how impossible it is to find a job right now...), I suggest you treat yourself to the Cat custom Frontier order.

Step One: Cut a hole... Just kidding. French fries with cheese.


Step Two: Small green chile stew with a side of sour cream.


Step Three: Combine.


Step Four: Enjoy.

Dolphin calling.

First off, I LOVE VICTORIA BECKHAM.



She's probably the most fabulous person in the world, married to the prettiest man in the world, and manages to not really really take herself seriously at all. After watching the Coming to America special, yes, I would love to be her personal assistant. And her best friend, really.



MAJOR!

In other news, I decided that the reason I wrecked my truck was so I could go to Jimmy Eat World. That experience was, by far, one of the best concerts of my life, something I did not see coming.

I’ve seen Jimmy Eat World a few times, and I’ve never really been too impressed. However, both times were in arena settings and perhaps they’re better enjoyed in a more intimate environment. And for the first time EVER, I was okay with how it sounded in the Sunshine. That’s a hard room to sound and I understand that, but geez, it normally blows. I guess JEW’s sound crew spent a while sound checking.

When they first came out, one of the things Jim Adkins said was that they’d been a “rock band” on tour for some time now and they wanted to do something different. So, they placed such precious jewels like “A Sunday”, an acoustic version of “Claire” that had me near tears, “My Sundown”, my personal favorite “Disintegration” and they closed with “Hear You Me”. Honestly, a lot of people were pissed about it, because they played nothing really fast or poppy. People were literally yelling at them. But, they didn’t care. And good for them! I think it was the kind of experience you really had to work to appreciate, if you’ve only followed the band via the radio, as pretentious as that makes me sound.

During “23”, all these people started clearing room for this couple to slow dance. It was kinda ridiculous and it really kinda made me upset. It was hot enough on the floor and no one needed to be anymore cramped. In fact, I remember making the comment “This is not freaking prom” to one of the people holding the barrier (which I feel really bad about now…). Then, the guy dancing gets down on one knee and asks the girl to marry him. I kinda hated it, but moreso just because of how precious it was.

I left the concert with a singing heart. LaLaLa!

And I could not have asked for a better concert buddy than Casey. We had ourselves a grand ol’ time, despite “that guy”, the one drunk asshole at the show that Casey almost punched in the face. He deserved it.

I guess the real important news is that I have a functioning car again! ZOMG! The bodywork’s not perfect and it kinda looks like my truck’s a little retawded, but more importantly, it runs and it runs well. However, I am stuck here for a little while longer working back the money I spent on a new radiator. PLEASE. Someone employ me.

I spent most of my weekend preparing for the big ol Burlesque show that’s happening on July 28th and visiting my mom, since she hasn’t gotten to see me in a while.