Oh, here it goes again.

About this whole Club 7 nonsense... Trust me, I hate that place more than anyone else in the world. I work downtown and trying to leave downtown while there's a naked rave happening down the block is really annoying. Pre-raid, the El Rey staff liked to call out the "ho-trains" of underage girls as they walked to Club 7. In fact, when I read that police found that people had been stripping off their clothes in the club the night it was raided, I said, "What clothes? No one who went there even wore clothes." Seriously, matching bra and panty sets covering the Ho-Trains. Nuisance they may be, I knew as soon as the raid happened, it meant trouble.

From the Journal on Saturday: "City officials filed a request Friday that, if granted, would shutter Downtown's Club 7 permanently and put its owner out of business. But the request, which calls for an end to all mixed-ages clubs where alcohol is served, could also mean trouble for clubs like the Launchpad and El Rey."

OH GOOD. Remember this rodeo?

The city's complaint comes in response to a raid last week of Club 7, where investigators say they found a laundry list of drugs, including Ecstasy and heroin. Police say they found the club crowded to nearly double its legal capacity, and that 90 percent of the patrons were between 13 and 18. Police have described the club as a "predatory environment" where older men consumed alcohol and then mingled freely with underage girls who were often scantily clad.

In the three-part complaint, the city described all underage events as a nuisance if minors socialize with adults who have been served liquor.

Joe Anderson, owner of the Launchpad, said the mayor's stance unfairly paints all mixed-ages clubs with the same brush. "In going after that venue, they've decided to blanket everyone who does the same type of thing, which, of course, is unfair," he said.

The Launchpad is a Downtown club that mainly features live music, allows underage patrons and has a separate beer garden for legal drinkers. Anderson said his club has never been cited, adding that he shouldn't be punished for someone else's actions. "We have an exemplary record and probably run a much safer business than a lot of regular bars," Anderson said.

Mayor Martin Chavez acknowledged at Friday's news conference that there is a distinction between a place like the Launchpad and Club 7, but said that would not deter him from pressing for an ordinance banning such venues. Chavez said the ordinance would be written to exclude venues like Isotopes Park.

The state's Licensing and Regulation Department doesn't keep a list of mixed-ages venues, but spokeswoman Teala Kail said that, in addition to Club 7 and Launchpad, the mayor's proposal would likely affect El Rey Theater, Sunshine Theater and Fantasia Night Club.

Club 7 is closed because of code violations and could reopen as soon as the building is back up to code. The mayor's Friday request, if granted, would keep it closed for good and would prevent owner Aleksandr Mkhitarian from opening a similar club anywhere in Albuquerque.

Now, normally defeatist Cat would want to climb under a rock, cry and sob. But, here's a shot at being optimistic. Here's how the city of Albuquerque can fix its problems downtown.

Instead of focusing on shutting Club 7 down, focus on how to create safe, all ages-friendly environments that teens actually want to go to. Let's dive into WHY places like Club 7 exist, WHY there's a market for them. That's the root of the people, my dear Mayor.

So, like, how does that happen? How do you make all ages spaces safe, friendly and successful? Let's examine a little place I like to call Warehouse 21.

Now, I hate Santa Fe. I may blog about that later, but believe me, I hate Santa Fe. But, Warehouse 21 is by far, the best part of that place. "Since 1997, Warehouse 21 has served thousands of our city’s youth (aged 12-21) and young adults (aged 20-30) in the performing, media and visual arts. W21 has consistently supported youth employment throughout its existence and has partnered and developed community service programs with schools and court systems. The unique approach of Warehouse 21 fosters a particular type of creative energy that is exemplified through project-based learning models, youth access to artistic resources and instruction, and a practical “do-it-yourself” ethic that fosters artistic independence and entrepreneurialism." Every city in the world needs at least one Warehouse 21. And Albuquerque don't got it. While the city's cover of a funded-all ages venue is really cute and all, clearly, it's not opening any time soon. (But they do have enough block parties to last a lifetime.) Get serious about it, already.

The only reason Warehouse 21 has been even moderately successful is because of its a) non profit status, thus b) acquisition of state/city/federal funding. And why is that? Why is it so expensive to run a venue?

So, let's talk about artist guarantees. And let's talk about how ungodly high they are. Really. You have no idea. Let's take a pretty basic all ages show, like the Mad Caddies. Homeboys have a $8,000 guarantee for each performance they do. Not to mention, they've got a contract that pretty much guarantees anything he could ever want, also known as $200 in groceries and $100 in booze. If they play a two hour set, they get paid $4,000 an hour. UMM.

And why is that so high? Oh, probably because live music is the only way an artist can make any money nowadays, thanks to the internet and corporate record labels. But, oh, don't you worry, soon, that'll be a thing of the past, too. In fact, the independent venue will soon be a thing of the past, thanks to how ridiculous it is to pay an artist. And not that I blame them, they got bookies to pay, baby mamas to keep quiet. But really, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get paid for hard work.

But, how do venues pay for this? Let's say I charge $20 a ticket, which is actually really high for a Caddies show, and 300 people show up. That's also pretty high. That's $6,000. I'm still two grand short. And, OH WAIT. I have to pay my staff, my sound, my property taxes, my utilities, advertising, the list goes on and on. A supposed $8,000 event will end up costing you $15,000. Easy. And unfortunately, money does not fall like rain from the El Rey's roof. How does one pay for this?

If you said alcohol, gee you're a smart one. (Or you've been subject to one of Cat's at least 45 minute rants on the subject, which are normally sponsored by, you guessed it, alcohol!) Oh, sweet, sweet drunky nectar, you and Quinceañeras are the only reason my precious El Rey stays afloat.

So, dear city, if you're really interested in having events that kids want to go to, I'd suggest you get ready to fork out about $40,000 a week or let the private sector take care of it. (But something tells me you actually have no interest in this city's underage population, minus a skatepark or two. And why would they? Who votes?)

Now, as for places like Club 7, which specialize in Ho-Trains and cheap narcotics, I'd suggest revoking that magical piece of paper called a LIQUOR LICENSE. But, you see, it's actually in the city's best interest to keep that liquor license in the hands of irresponsible tards like Mkhitarian (which is, quite possibly, the best last name I have ever heard. It stirs up visions of Viggo in bathhouses...). KOAT said that Mkhivegetarian's liquor license has 51 violations on it. FIFTY ONE. Are you kidding me? Want to know how many times the El Rey's been cited for alcohol violation since I've worked there? Once. Some drunk dude stumbled out the back door with a beer and security didn't catch him in time. And there just happened to be a SID officer in the alley. The Launchpad? I think they've been cited twice in the last 5 years. And I think both of them were fake ID issues.

So, what happens when you get cited for something like that? It depends on the offense, be it over serving, serving a minor, unsupervised premise, etc. But, you can normally count on at least a $3,000 fine. Correct. The state takes alcohol law very seriously. So, how much money does the state make off a place like Club 7 where flavored vodka seems to stream into the mouths of underagers? 51 citations at $3,000 a piece, that's $153,000. Hey! That's the operating budget of a great all ages club for a month! SWEET!

Now, I would never, EVER suggest that the city or the state would keep open a crappy venue for the sake of profit. Nope, wouldn't do that. I mean, clearly. The city was on top of this Club 7 thing. 51 citations, multiple deaths, 11 calls to APD, they were doing their job, obviously. Keeping places like that open is SUCH a great idea. There's no way the city let that one ride for as long as they possibly could. Not a chance!

Places like Club 7 need a major overhaul. For one, they need a freaking dress code. There's a simple solution. "ohai, underage gymnast, can you keep your top on? tnx." That might cut down on the sleezeballs attempting to catch a free glimpse. Also, maybe try enforcing serving limits. That might work. Or maybe hire security to do their freaking job searching people. And, why you're at it APD, why dontcha wander down a block or two, away from the LEGAL Ho-Trains to our neck of the woods? APD has no problem having a cop at Denny's for the post-bar crowd, or at Frontier when it was open. Drunkies mix with underagers there. Just some ideas.

But, here's the most ridiculous, unbelievable, unreachable idea in the whole world. IT'S CALLED PARENTING.

Don't want your daughter in an Ecstasy-driven Ho-Train? Sweet! Don't let her dress for the Ho-Train or do Ecstasy. I know teens are tricky. It's better that my parents didn't know how many things I set on fire in high school. But, they were pretty involved in my life, they took an active interest in what I did. Therefore, no Ho-Train for me.

Just take care of your kids. I've talked to dozens of parents who have called the El Rey before Ska Prom or other all ages shows who are worried about their kids having access to illegal goodies. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't take much more than a phone call to Club 7 to find out what kind of a establishment they were. Because I'm sure Mickeyhitarian isn't the most friendly dude.

But, like I said, as soon as I saw 300 underagers with their hands on their heads in the street last weekend, I knew this was all going to end badly. So, here us decent businesses are, being threatened by the city with no just cause. Not to mention, this is TOTALLY the best year EVER for businesses on the 600th block of Central. It's just a possibility that the El Rey and the Launchpad's respective legal teams are just a tad busy right now (I HAVE NO IDEA WITH WHAT.). So, this great completely law-breaking sanction couldn't come at the better time.

Oh yeah, that's right. It breaks the law. Let me tell you a story about pain-in-the-ass alcohol laws that haven't been changed since Prohibition. An alcohol license is exactly the same for any business that wants one. The El Rey's liquor license is exactly the same as the license Isotopes Park has, or that Chili's has. (Actually, the El Rey's is a little different because we have a package license like what 7-11 or Smiths has. It's like Super-License!) So, by the city singling out specific businesses where minors are in the same space as alcohol, it's illegal. If they want to pass this ruling, and be legal about it, that has to mean that no, in fact you cannot have a $9 margarita while your children eat their chicken strips at Applebees. No, you cannot have a good ol' beer with your baseball. Nope, nope, nope.

And you know, the city and state are great at being legal. Because, it's not like if they stopped serving beer at Journal Pavilion, which has 200 citations on their record, they wouldn't loose $600,000. No. I wouldn't even dream of that.

SO. Long story short, hear's what needs to happen:

1. Got a bad track record? Don't wait till it's too late. Monitor places with high citation rates.
2. Fund a good, a really good, all ages space. And get ready to pay through the teeth for it. If you're not, let the good guys do a good job.
3. Parent. I know, I know, it's hard. Just try to work it out. It's amazing the way music venues actually aren't baby sitting services.
4. Please. Overhaul alcohol laws. They desperately need them. And hey, if you did, you'd be able shut down dens of sex and horror like the Launchpad, without compromising your profits, I mean endeavours, at the Pavilion.

Any questions? I'd call or write to your mayor and your governor:

Mayor Martin Chavez (I'M THE MAYOR.)
PO Box 1293
Albuquerque, NM 87103
(505) 768-3000
mayor@cabq.gov

Gov. Bill Richardson
490 Old Santa Fe Trail
Room 400
Santa Fe, NM 87501
(505) 476-2200

Attorney General Gary King
111 Lomas NW, Ste 300
Albuquerque, NM 87102
(505) 222-9000