So let's start giving.

(Before you read this, you must know that both Marky and I have worked in the office of the El Rey for over a year. And in that year, you go through a lot of tour riders, which are the demands the artist makes for a show. And trust me, regardless of who the artist is, regardles of how popular they are, they request the most random crap. So, yesterday Marky had a horrible day at work. I met him at O'Niells, we had beers and wrote our own tour rider.)


Cat and Marky's Tour Rider, If Any Famous Band Ever Decides to Hire Them as a Tour Manager.

1. Keg of Newscastle.
2. Samples of local microbrew available on draft. If it sucks, we don't want it. Hint: No lagers or IPA's.
3. 2 large pizzas from local pizzeria available at load in. Absolutely no Pizza Hut. Toppings to be advanced via road manager day of event.
4. Bowl of organic fruit. No plums, green apples are a must. To include assortment of berries.
5. Six pack of Blue Moon with organic oranges. Note: our rider does not require a knife, cut the orange yourself.
6. 50 frosted pint glasses.
7. No fewer than 35 bath towels, washed in fragrance and dye free detergent.
8. 25 assorted nick knacks from your state. Including but not limited to postcards, magnets, keychains, belt buckles, bandanas, stuffed animals, children's t-shirts, shot glasses & yearly calenders. 5 of these items must cost over $25. These items must be advanced through road manager day of show.
9. State plant, state tree, state flower, state animal and state bird must be present in dressing room at load in for media photo opportunity. Any of the mascots listed above which might be dangerous must have a proper caretaker on site. If caretaker has great hair, he will be included in photo.
10. Salsa from New Mexico. And only New Mexico.
11. Largest available package of Trojon Magnems.
12. Three packages of Depends. Please, no fragrance.
13. Two boxes Pampers Baby Wips.
14. Fresh Laundry scented candle to be lit in green room one half hour before load in.
15. 3 personal assistants required day of show. Must be available from load in to load out. Must be willing to sacrifice personal dignity. Resume must be submitted to road manager one week prior to event. Selected candiates will be notified one hour prior to load in.
16. One bottle Makers Mark, one bottle Sailor Jerry's Rum, two bottles Silver Oak Merlot.
17. Meal buyout for 54. Sometimes we eat for multiple people.
18. Leftovers must be fed-exed to Africa to starving Ethopian children. Photos of children must be submitted to road manager one week prior to event. Selected canidates will be notified one hour prior to load in.
19. Freshly baked wheat bread. Cornbread if in southern state. Cranberry pumkin loaf is required, regardless of seasonal availability.
20. Sugar cookies decorated to look like corresponding state quarter. Design must be pre-approved by road manager one week prior to event. If design is found undesirable, a local artist must be commissioned to design sugar cookie.
21. 12 samples of local art to be hanging in green room. Polariods of art must be forwarded to road manager one week prior to event.
22. 4 humidifers in green room, 2 on stage, one on bus, all using a different brand of bottled water. No Aquafina.
23. Sharpies in every color of the rainbow.
24. Full line of Mac makeup and skin care line with professional makeup artist.
25. One video iPod preloaded with music and videos to be advanced from road manager day of event.
26. One iPod Shuffle with random playlist, createst by venue employee with the best hair. Please, no easy listening.
27. One trumpet player to announce our arrival.
28. Two pounds of cheesecake. Must be freshbaked with an assortment of toppings available. This request is dependent on region. If there are no Italian immmigrants or mob bosses in your city, please disregard. We do not want your cheesecake.
29. One personal security guard who must be taller than 6 feet 2 inches and weigh more than 250 pounds. Also must have a nickname similiar to Johnny the Blade or Danny Knuckles.
30. Second personal security guard. Must be female with a D-size cup. Background in domanatrix is preferred. Photo must be submitted to road manager one week prior to event. Must also be willing to pose in state-themed photo.
31. Professional tattoo artist and piercer on call. Portfolios of artists must be advanced to road manager two weeks prior to event.
32. Pre-paid cell phone available for prank calling. Must be accompanied by directions of local businesses & residents with funny if not unfortunate last names. (Example: Butte.)
33. First three seasons of a selected WB Drama on DVD. Monday- One Tree Hill, Tuesday- Everwood, Wednesday- Gilmore Girls, Thursday- 7th Heaven, Friday- Gossip Girl, Saturday- Smallville, Sunday- America's Next Top Model.
34. All new episodes of Project Runway must be available for commercial-free viewings. Don't have Tivo? I suggest you get it.
35. Entire Elton John discography on vinyl. If recordings do not exist, please get it printed. If requires to print your own, we require vinyl to be transparent pink.
36. Homemade chocolate birthday cake with the words "Happy Birthday Mother Fucker" written on it in organic buttercream frosting.
37. A vile of the tears of at least ten homeless veterns to be consumed on stage during cover of We Are The World. Collection of homeless vetern's cardboard signs is appreciated. Polaroids of homeless veterns must be submitted to road manager one week prior to event. Homeless veterns must be compinsated for their time. $100 an hour.
38. One French Canadian hair dresser.
39. Four coffee mugs collected from local thrift stores, washed at local car wash. Must be available at load in.
40. Collection of at least 12 locally created hats or head pieces. No advance photos, surprise us. Please, nothing sports team related. We are from Albuquerque, where we have the Albuquerque Isotopes. Therefore, we have won the mascot game.
41. Custom designed Ross troll doll with lucky gem belly button to be left on stage prior to preformance. Just because Hallmark stopped selling them doesn't mean Ross stopped making them.
42. On that note, collection of all available primate beanie babies purchased from local area Hallmark must be available for sale at merch table. One actual primate must also be available for sale/adoption. Youtube video of primate must be forwarded to road manager one week prior to event.
43. Neon sign reading, "Yeah Bitches" must be installed on tour bus day of show no later than 6:00 pm. Colors dependant on color of shirt artist is wearing during preformance.
44. One color-coded map of every Starbucks, Taco Bell, Subway, Wendy's, Church's & McAlisters within 150 miles of venue to be sent to road manager one week prior to event.
45. Professional seamtress with experience in mideval & renaissance costuming required at load in. Samples of work must be sent to road manager one week prior to event. Road manager is a size 8.
46. State Flag of New Mexico made out of red and yellow peanut butter M&M's. No smaller than 3 feet tall, thanks.
47. Personal fluffer. Resume must be submitted to road manager one week prior to event. Selected candiates will be notified one hour prior to load in.
48. Only acceptable lighting in green room are Al Gore lightbulbs.
49. Petting zoo in parking lot of venue. Must have no fewer than 5 baby goats. No llamas.
50. Miley Cyrus in a bed sheet.
51. Kiddie pool filled with pastaceio jello pudding. No green, please.
52. A gospel choir with no fewer than twenty members greeting us at city limits with romping version of We Shall Overcome.
53. And 18 cases of water. No Aquafina.