Roadblock.

I guess it's a little ridiculous to say I have a hard time dealing with sadness. I think pretty much everyone does. My mom and me have had long conversations about how it's okay to feel sad, it's pretty damn normal. Having a bum month happens to everyone. Cowboy up, deal with it. But, I can honestly say it's been a very long time since I've felt this sad.

It's like big, giant parts of my life are collasping, voids are being created and I haven't quite figured out how to fill them (or if I should). I could laundry list them, but that's not important. Doesn't make them go away. It's to the point where it's effecting me physically, which is also something that hasn't happened in a long time. I feel myself drawing inward a lot. (If you've called and I haven't called back, I really am sorry.)

I'm trying to be a Chas about it. He's got this fantastic way of taking every experience in life as exactly that, an experience, and evaluating the losses and gains. Not to say he's withdrawn emotionally, because he's far from it. But he's got this almost editorial way of accessing the situation and in the end, he always seems to come out okay. I'm trying to make myself think about it in the most rational way possible, trying to study myself from the outside.

I guess it's a little bit fascinating, all the sensations going on in my head, the way they're translating to my body and to everyone else. Just trying to make sense of it all. And mostly, trying to not numb out. I can't imagine anything worse right now.

I'm hoping some open road and a little bit of distance will grant me another perspective.

(I'm pretty sure one of these would make me feel all better.)