7.19.2011

Monsters Ball.


I'm around a lot of conferences and trainings at my new job, which I still like by the way. If you are a frequenter of hotels or functions that are catered, you will know that there is a multitude of free cookies everywhere. Hotels shed cookies. Cookies and continental breakfasts.

It's a cheap way of telling someone, "Hey, we like your business. Have a cookie." And people fall for it like crazy. To the point where if a cookie is not presented, they feel betrayed, robbed even. So, it's become a thing that you must order in the catering world: a PM break. "PM break for 30 participants to consist of cookies." Seriously. Most of the time, if conference goers were just savvy enough, they could surely stumble upon free cookies at any hotel. But, in the grand laziness of American society, the cookies must now also be delivered. First, they must be provided, now they must be delivered.

When I started noticing this, I was a little disgusted. Maybe not as much as I should have been, as I am the type of person who will actively search out any sort of free food, including those blasted cookies, but there was just something about watching the PM breakers devourer those cookies. Maybe I see myself in it, the gross college kid, eating as much as humanly possible because you're really not quite certain where that next meal is coming from. But just the level of "it's free so I'm gonna take all of it" is a little disturbing. In my food scavenging, I'll just take something for me and call it a day. I've seen people stuff their purses full to the brim with cookies. And trust me lady, that one napkin you used to wrap them, it's not gonna hold up. You'll have cookie crumbs in your purse for a year, it's like going to a sandy beach. That's really the only thing that gives me comfort.

And the rage, OH the rage, if there's not enough cookies to go around. You wouldn't believe it! The anger. "WHERE is MAH cookie! I am a PARTICIPANT and I do not have a COOKIEH." I'm sorry ma'am, you might want to check your friend's purse. And because of the purse stuffers, the cost of this PM break is just ridiculous. Like, $8 a person. $8 for a cookie and some iced tea! Seriously guys, just walk down the hall discretely and the cookie selection is actually much better!

So, these PM breakers, these purse stuffers, these lazy Americans, I found it all very, very disturbing for a few months. The first months at my job, I was at hotels A LOT so I spent a lot of quality, one-on-one time with participants who either got no cookies or too many cookies. I was pretty done with the whole thing until I came down to earth, back to my office, and found myself, one stressful afternoon, seriously missing my afternoon cookie. My little token of appreciation, my scavenger hunt. At first, I was a bit disgusted with myself but then I got to thinking. Maybe these PM breakers are onto something. We adore our morning coffee breaks, smokers can't wait for that next cigarette. A cookie in the afternoon probably isn't that bad of an idea. A ten minute break, right when you feel like the day will never end, just to savor something, a token of gratitude, might just be enough for our high speed, high stress society to breathe for a few minutes. Just calm the fuck down, breathe, and enjoy a cookie. No wonder those people take as many as they can. It's a great feeling.

The point is, cookies are great. Enjoy them. Do what you can you have a few minutes to congratulate yourself on going to work everyday, contributing to the gross national product and taking all those giant steps towards full-blown adulthood. Or a few minutes to congratulate yourself for knowing your job isn't who you are, that you'll never stop listening to punk rock and you're stealing a few minutes of precious salaried time to do absolutely nothing that benefits that gross national product. Or just don't think at all. Just enjoy a cookie. Cookies, really, they're seriously fucking great.

But, for the love of Christ, leave some for everyone else.

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